‘life’ archive

I got engaged last weekend However, I haven’t had time to develop the film, and I just don’t feel right giving the story here without pictures, so until then, I will have to share just how insane my week has become:

Monday: Drive home from Seattle to Spokane
Tuesday: Work; dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in months
Wednesday: Last day of work at the Club (ever! woohoo!); Fly back to Seattle
Thursday: Time with parents, then with Fiancée; Dinner with both our sets of parents
Friday: Fly back to Spokane in time to start my first day at my new job

Fill in all the air bubbles with various scramblings to do laundry, pack again, and flush out the first parts of an outline of wedding plans. Looming somewhere in the distance is the reality that I need to get ready to move and find an apartment in Portland. And I’ve put over 2000 miles on my car in the past three weeks.

Don’t get my wrong, I’m ecstatic to be engaged to Courtney. And I feel bad writing a “complaining” post right now. I’m just feeling a little stressed out for a few days before I can breathe enough to revel in it again.

Thanks to Katey and RMFO Idol, I’ve got Sandra McCracken running through my head today. And I’m feeling it.

you are on my mind again
with poetry and rhyme
it’s as if you’re still here with me
after all this time

’cause I’d give the world to be home tonight
but the road is long and it pulls me away
I miss you deep
and there is no relief from this steady ache

nameless places, it never seems to end
nameless faces when all I want is you

I cleaned my room last week. (Boy do I feel like a kid again saying that!) I thought this would take me a night or two. Oh, no! This was five solid nights of shredding and filing papers, tossing things and discovering things I’d lost. With a little furniture rearrangement thrown in.

Before:

After:

Wow, that feels good!

I just left my church. Only minutes ago I got back from coffee with the pastor sharing my heart with him. It’s amazing how scary and relieving it is all at the same time.

I’ve known for a few months now I’d be doing this, but now that I’m here, I feel a strange sense of dread: was this really the right thing to do? Am I really going to find a church that’s what I’m looking for? In this city, I’m actually pretty skeptical. Theologically, I know I can find that place. But finding a church that matches theologically while also addressing the cultural issues I’m concerned about may be more difficult.

I want a church that’s small (though Courtney is quick to remind me that my definition of “small” is really a normal-sized church, after attending a church of 1000+ for a decade). I want a church that is friendly to our postmodern world. I want a church that isn’t afraid to build relationships with the community even in places where they won’t ever be preaching the gospel message; because the gospel isn’t just a message, but a way of life.

I’ve never “church shopped” before. This was the church I became a believer in. The church I did six overseas mission trips with (I was even the leader for two of them). I never had to compare it to anywhere else. Never had to weigh my options and really pray and decide “which would be best?” I recently found a wonderful place that I thought could be it, but after Sunday’s service, I’m feeling more skeptical. I really don’t want to be stuck hunting for months. I don’t want to be stuck in transition interminably. I want somewhere I can throw myself immediately and whole-heartedly into ministry and relationships. I want a place to call home.

I believe the old adage is “change takes time.” Boy, does that seem to sum me up right now. It feels like everything is in flux, and every piece of the puzzle is taking far too long to resolve.

I’m looking for a new job, a new church, a new city for me or Courtney or both, and yet each one of these is proving to take far more time and effort than I thought necessary. Heck, it’s taken me five months to get this website up!

But then again, this website is a big part of it. I started to see last fall that this was the direction I need to point myself. It’s not about blogging, it’s about what I want to do with my life. For the first time, I’ve felt what it’s like to get obsessed with a project; to throw myself so completely at something I can’t stop until it’s finished and is something I’m proud of. I certainly never felt that in school. I was one of those obnoxious students who could get a 3.5 GPA without much effort. And yet I could have gotten a 4.0 if I tried. It just never seemed worth the extra effort for that small bit of extra payoff.

I love web design. I love it. To start with a few ideas scribbled on a piece of paper and turn them into a beautiful layout in Photoshop or Illustrator. To take that image and turn it into a dynamic, functioning piece of css, php, and javascript. It feels so good to make something from nothing and to look at it and see how beautiful it has become!

So that’s what this website is. Yeah, I’ll talk about my life here — that’s why I have this blog set aside, invisible from the home page — but this is also my place to grow. I really want to make a life of this. I thrive on it.